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Super Sunday Smackdown: Tom vs. the Grizzly

March 14, 2010

Here you go, check out this video.  I’m not responsible for the violence or gore in it, so watch at your own risk.

All right, you got me, that’s not actually Tom Cruise being attacked by a grizzly bear–that I know of.  Anyway, I just randomly came up with the topic “Tom Cruise vs. grizzly bear–who wins and why?” for today’s miscellaneous topic.  That was the topic that won, so by popular demand, here it is:

Ballad of Tom & The Grizzly

Once upon a time in the faraway land of Hollywood lived an eternally young-looking movie star named Tom.  He seemed to have it all:  fame, money, an attractive wife, and a young daughter.  There was only one problem:  those evil ogres known as the paparazzi.

They stalked Tom day and night, sticking their cameras through his bushes, windows, even his shower curtain.  It seemed he couldn’t go anywhere without a pack of these ogres following him, snapping away with their cameras.  Whenever Tom passed a newsstand, he couldn’t help seeing pictures of him or his family on the cover of the magazines the ogres produced.  Even when he turned on the television he would see himself or his wife or his daughter frolicking on the beach.

Then one day Tom was on the set of his latest movie, Mission:  Impossible 6, trying to relax in his trailer while he studied his lines.  He heard a splash from in the back of the trailer.  What’s going on? he thought.  He went to the back of the trailer only to find one of the ogres with his head caught in the portable toilet.  Even though he was upside down and his head in the toilet, somehow the ogre still manager to hit the button on his digital camera.

“That is it!  I’ve had it!” Tom cried out.  He left the movie set, jumping into the seat of his Bentley convertible.  He drove and drove, day and night, all the way from the calm blue ocean until he reached a dark forest.

That was where the car’s engine finally died, having run out of gas.  When the car shut off, Tom listened closely.  Nothing.  No buzzing of motorcycles chasing him, camera shutters snapping, and no one shouting at him to face them.  Absolutely nothing.  “Can it be?” Tom asked himself.  “Have I found a refuge at last?”

Tom walked deeper into the forest until he found a small clearing.  “This looks like a nice place to rest,” he said to himself.  “Finally I’ll have a nice long nap.”  He laid down on the bed of soft green grass and soon fell into a deep sleep.

The sound of something heavy stomping on the grass woke Tom from his slumber.  He thought at first it must be that the ogres had found him again.  Soon they would victimize him with their flashing cameras again.  But it was not an ogre.  No, it was something much worse–a grizzly bear!

This was no ordinary grizzly bear, though.  This grizzly sat on its hind legs, rising up to ten feet tall.  It looked down at Tom with angry brown eyes.  Then it spoke.  “Who are you?  Why have you come to my forest?”

“My name is Tom and I only wish to spend my days here in peace and quiet.”

“That cannot be allowed.  This is my forest and none may trespass on it.”

“But it is a very large forest, Mr. Grizzly Bear.  Surely we can share.”

“No!” the grizzly bear roared.  “This forest belongs to me!  Only I may live here!”

“Please, Mr. Grizzly Bear,” Tom pleaded.  “We both want the same thing:  quiet solitude from the rest of the world.  We are so very much alike, can’t we be friends?”

“I do not need friends!  Leave my forest now or you will spend the rest of your days fertilizing the grass.”  The grizzly held up his front paws with their razor sharp claws and opened his mouth to reveal rows of sharp yellow teeth.

Tom shivered; the grizzly was much scarier than any of the ogres in Hollywood.  But still he would not leave this enchanted forest, not for any selfish grizzly bears.  “You can try to hurt me, but I will not leave this place.”

“Then you will die!” the grizzly roared.  He lowered himself on all fours and then raised one paw to strike.

Tom closed his eyes.  He thought of the magic words his instructors had taught him.  He spoke these words as the grizzly brought its paw down, its claws set to rend Tom to pieces.

The grizzly suddenly howled in pain.  It pulled back its paw, the fur on it singed black.  “That is impossible!” the grizzly shouted.  “My claw should have torn through you, but it did not touch you!”

Tom opened his eyes and he laughed.  “It would be impossible for most people, but I am an OT7.  Now, we can share this forest or you can see what else I can do.”

“You were lucky that time.  But you will be my supper yet.”  The grizzly bear charged forward, leaping at Tom with all of its might.

Tom only laughed again.  Then he said more of the words his instructors had taught him, the words that activated the secrets only a handful of people on Earth knew.  And Tom began to grow and grow until he was as tall as the highest tree in the forest.

He bent down, plucking the grizzly from the ground as if it were his daughter’s teddy bear.  He held the grizzly up to one giant eye.  “I only wanted peace.  But you refused to share.  This is what happens to those who are selfish.”

Tom cocked his arm back and he threw the grizzly.  It sailed far away, landing in Michigan or Ontario or possibly even New York.  Tom shrunk back to his normal four-foot height and looked around the forest triumphantly.

He let out a contented sigh as he listened to the silence and felt the cool breeze run through his hair.  “This is a beautiful place, but I would be as selfish as the grizzly to keep it to myself,” Tom said.  “I will build a church here and invite others to experience the miracle of this quiet place.  And I will bring my family too–if there’s room.”

Tom smiled to himself.  There was much work to be done now.

The moral of the story:  Don’t F**k With Scientologists!

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One Comment
  1. There goes the wilderness.

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